On 15 April 1989, I went to a football match with my dad. We’d been to dozens of games together. This, however, was an FA Cup semi-final in Sheffield, a match between the two best teams in the country, Liverpool and Nottingham Forest. It was a bright, crisp morning as we drove around Manchester and across the Pennines. We made good progress. I recall as we drove into the city lots of signs for parking, all ‘10 minutes from the ground’. We stopped at one of these. We hadn’t been to Sheffield before. It turned out to be a good half an hour walk to the stadium, perhaps a bit more, but we didn’t mind. We had time. It was a beautiful day. There were few supporters on the street at first but the further we walked the greater the throng of people became. It started to feel like a cup semi-final. We were early and stopped for some snacks. We always took a Mars bar and a pack of extra-strong mints each into the ground with us. We were in the Leppings Lane end, seated in the stand, towards the back, high above the terracing. It was still more than an hour until kick-off, but we decided to go in anyway. We passed through the perimeter gates, the narrow entrance through which every Liverpool supporter at that end of the ground had to pass, and then, after being patted down by a steward, through the turnstiles for the West Stand. We were ordinary supporters. We had come to watch a football match.
On seeing the pitch, I felt the usual wave of anticipation, a knot of nerves in my stomach. The greenest green. The ground was less than half full, I would guess. Over the next hour or so it slowly filled up. The team news was announced. I looked at my dad. Alan Hansen, the club captain, who had been out injured for much of the season, was playing. This was going to be our day. The players warmed up. Liverpool were in red, the same vibrant red shirt with the word ‘Candy’ splashed across the front that I was wearing under my stone-washed denim jacket, the only official kit I ever owned (I still have it). Forest were in their change kit of all white. The contrast was beautiful.
Of course, we didn’t know that outside the ground a bottleneck had begun to form at the entrance gate through which we had passed half an hour before and around the turnstiles. People were arriving faster than they could pass through them. There were just seven turnstiles leading to the terracing. Nor could we see, as BBC commentator John Motson did, the relative emptiness of the pens either side of the almost-full central ones. Fences prevented fans moving into the more sparsely populated sections. But, as the minutes to kick-off slowly passed, we knew something was up. Five minutes before kick-off there was a sudden influx of supporters, some of whom found a seat on the steps beside us. Outside, the police had opened the main exit gate to relieve the crush. Two thousand Liverpool fans streamed into the ground in the space of a few minutes, most of them heading towards the already crowded central pens straight in front of them. Police inside the ground were not told that the exit gate would be opened and so did not close the gates to the central pens, as they usually did when they were full. A police constable’s request to delay the game by 20 minutes had been declined by novice match commander David Duckenfield who, it later turned out, was not aware that police were responsible for controlling the number of people who entered each pen or of the tactic of closing the gates when they were full.
The game kicked off, as scheduled, at 3pm. I knew something unusual was happening, but I didn’t know what. It didn’t feel right. I tried to watch the game but everything around us felt weirdly chaotic. I recall a Peter Beardsley volley striking the bar in front of the Nottingham Forest supporters at the other end of the ground. We were on our feet. Shortly after this it became obvious there was something terribly wrong. Supporters were on the pitch. I could see people at the front of the terrace trying to climb out of it. A man walked a few steps onto the pitch and fell over. Some fans were shouting at the Liverpool goalkeeper Bruce Grobbelaar. He was waving his arms. Fans were also waving and pointing back towards the pens. At 3.06 pm the game was stopped. Police initially pushed back against the fans who had climbed out and onto the pitch. I saw a police officer force someone back into the pen through a gate in the fence. People were lying on the pitch by this time, not moving. Supporters were on their knees giving CPR. Fans tore off advertising boards to carry the injured to the far end of the pitch, close to where the ambulances were queued. It wasn’t until 3.16pm that an ambulance finally made it onto the pitch. It was obvious by that time that many of the people lying on the pitch were already dead. Police meanwhile were ordered to form a line, arms linked, across the middle of the pitch, presumably to stop Liverpool fans from reaching the Forest fans at the other end, though no one else in the ground saw any hint of violence or thought, for more than a second, that this was a pitch invasion. False police reports of hooliganism prevented more ambulances arriving on the pitch. It was the beginning of the operation conducted by South Yorkshire Police over many years to blame the victims for the disaster, a campaign cynically perpetuated by the British establishment, and, I regret to say, many others besides, in the months, years and decades to follow.
Much of what followed is a blur for me. Snapshots. I recall the two managers – Brian Clough and Kenny Dalglish – making statements to the crowd over the public address system. The match would not continue, that was obvious. Yet we stayed, stood in front of our seats, not moving, I am not sure for how long. I can’t recall anything we said to each other, not much though, I imagine. Eventually, we left, walking down the same steps we had ascended a few hours before. I don’t know what time it was. Outside, I saw grown men sobbing. I had never seen men cry before. Two men were holding one another, one crying hard into the other’s shoulder while he tried to comfort him. People sat on the kerb, their heads in their hands. It was like the aftermath of a bombing. People queued in the gardens of terraced houses waiting to use the phones of people who had kindly opened their doors to them. We wanted to phone my mum and let her know we were safe. We decided to get to the car and phone from a service station. I remember us both running, it seemed for a long time, away from Hillsborough, past shop fronts and rows of houses, towards the car. Running and running. In the car we turned on the radio. We heard the BBC’s Peter Jones’s measured tones, describing with calm incredulity how the gymnasium at the ground had been turned into a mortuary and how the stewards were charged with picking up the left-behind belongings of the dead and injured. Seventy-four people, he said. Lying dead in that gymnasium.
We stopped at the first service station. The queues for pay phones were enormous. It was a long wait. My mum sobbed with relief down the phone. Like thousands of others, she had been waiting, not knowing if we would come home. My friend Mike had been calling. By now it was night. The rest of the journey was in the dark. I don’t think we spoke. All I remember about getting home was going straight to my room. I was numb. I didn’t feel anything, or rather I was not aware of feeling anything. It was only when my mum came up to see if I was alright that I started to cry, I think as I have never cried before or since, because it felt like it would not stop. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I stayed in my room after that. I must have slept.
We were lucky. I was lucky. I know people who were in the central pens, friends and family. They saw and experienced terrible things. For all that, I could think of nothing else. Hillsborough was on my mind all the time, and for months. I know with other people it was the same. One night, years later, I realised with a shock (and a shudder of guilt) that I had not thought about it that day. I didn’t talk about it, even with my friends, even with my dad. I didn’t want it to be a story or to remember only the story and not what really happened that day. I put my match ticket inside a bunch of flowers and left it on the Kop at Anfield. I carried on.
It was a strange time. Football stadia were in disrepair, the game in decline, wholly ungentrified. Fans were vilified in the press. We had no idea that the stand we sat in at Hillsborough did not have a valid safety certificate or that previous semi-finals at the ground had been the scene of a number of near disasters. No one cared. The fans were despised by the football authorities who wanted them in cages and treated like cattle by police not afraid to use the violent tactics honed by South Yorkshire Police at Orgreave. Instead of preparing to protect the supporters for whose safety he was responsible, Duckenfield’s focus was exclusively on combatting hooliganism. Policing was generally combative and intentionally intimidating. I remember the sneer on the face of a policeman I encountered outside Old Trafford, when the semi-final was eventually replayed. It was full of hate, directed, senselessly, at me. That was how things were back then. The government believed football supporters to be a sort of seditious fifth column and the police acted as their trusted enforcers, enabled to act with complete impunity. Hillsborough was just one example.
By this time, the government-backed campaign of disinformation was in full swing. Lies cooked up over a few beers at the South Yorkshire Police social club found their way onto the front page of the Sun and other newspapers (as they did after Orgreave). The British public, by and large, proved highly receptive to it, believing Liverpool supporters to be guilty of crimes by which all but a few depraved individuals would be naturally appalled. They were almost gleeful about it, recognising an opportunity to do down a city which had always stood somewhat apart, politically and culturally. Many people, perhaps ashamed by their own credulity or aware of their complicity, still purport to believe these things, notwithstanding the mountain of evidence to the contrary (they were effectively debunked as early as 1989 in Lord Justice Taylor’s inquiry report). Survivors and families hear them from the rival supporters at almost every Liverpool game.
I don’t want to rehash these lies or the subsequent cover-up, the coerced statements and falsified notebooks or the missing CCTV tapes. There is plenty of evidence out there. People will believe what they want. But I do want to say how much damage these lies do still, today. For survivors and for the families of the dead, they are like a portal taking them back to the moment of their greatest loss. I remember reading Primo Levi’s account of how the guards at Auschwitz would taunt the prisoners by telling them that even if they were to survive and told their story no one would believe them. This thought was a great torment to them, outlasting the horrors of the camps. All survivors want and need to be believed. For survivors of Hillsborough, to have their own first-hand accounts disbelieved has been an ensuring source of pain. It drags them back into the abject misery and utter, unspeakable torment of those distant but still-present moments of personal agony. It brings to the fore all the anguished feelings of guilt people carry with them, however irrationally. We have to keep telling our story if only to remind the perpetuators of these lies that there are real people behind the numbers, real lives and losses.
When I heard Margeret Aspinall, justice campaigner and mother of James, who died aged 18 at Hillsborough, tell crowds gathered in St Geroge’s Hall, Liverpool, in the wake of the 2012 Hillsborough Independent Panel (HIP) report, that they should ‘forgive themselves’, it stuck a profound chord with me, and I am sure many others. I felt guilt, I suppose because I survived and others didn’t, but also because sometimes weeks went by and I did not think about them, or because I didn’t use the time I had well or made more of myself, or because I didn’t do enough to tell my own story or to challenge those who told lies about what happened. When I interviewed Margaret a little time after, she told me that she had felt she was giving a gift to the survivors, and she was. It was like a weight being lifted, for a while at least. Now, in the light of subsequent hearings, the HIP report reminds us how little has been done to bring those responsible for the disaster and the subsequent cover-up to justice.
Ten or 12 years ago, working as a freelance journalist, I did a naïve and, I now realise, stupid thing. I applied to the Independent Police Complaints Commission (now the Independent Office for Police Conduct) to be a reporter on an ‘independent’ inquiry into police misconduct at Hillsborough. I thought my experience could help bring light to the inquiry and, of course, I wanted to help get to the truth and to do my bit to right the wrongs of the past (and I suppose to address my own feelings of having done too little). I travelled to the headquarters at Warrington for an interview. I had to wait, they told me. The team was in a meeting. I sat outside the office. Suddenly the doors swung open, and the officers came briskly out, talking loudly among themselves. I recall one snatch of conversation. One officer spoke with open contempt, spitting out his words, about the ‘fucking Hickses’. For readers who do not know, Jenni and Trevor Hicks are the parents of two teenage daughters, Sarah and Victoria, who died at Hillsborough. So much for stakeholder engagement and inclusivity. I knew then I had made a terrible mistake. I was on the wrong side. Needless to say, I did not get the job. I would have been seriously under-employed in any case as, more than a decade later, the inquiry is still to report. Kicked into the longest of long grass. There are even suggestions that the lease on the Warrington base will have to be extended beyond its 2026 termination date.
I’ve never thought of myself as a ‘survivor’. I have never dared call myself that. I know what others have gone through. But I know too that I have had to carry something, as have thousands of others. There are plenty of people who are still living that day in their heads, every day. It can come to you at any time. Hillsborough never leaves you. For a long time, I was reluctant to talk about it, as were many supporters who struggled to call themselves ‘survivors’. I know many Forest fans felt the same (there is a very brilliant BBC radio series on this). It happened to someone else. It was someone else’s loss, someone else’s tragedy. For a long time, I didn’t think I deserved to be considered. People had lost their children, after all. I couldn’t speak about it in part because I never thought I had permission, and, in a sense, I felt that Margaret had given that. I can’t say how much that meant, that gift.
From Hillsborough to Grenfell to the Post Office scandal the British establishment is supremely adept when it comes to evading responsibility. British life, with all its poverty, shitty, poorly paid work and broken public services, is a perfect reflection of this abdication of responsibility. But that’s just one side of the coin. We need to do better at holding these people to account. We need to ask more of ourselves in these moments. We should do more. We should demand more. Families shouldn’t have to give up the best part of their lives trying to get the authorities to tell the truth about the role they played in the deaths of their children, parents or siblings. How different might things had been if people had not been prepared to lazily believe the unbelievable worst of people? What if football supporters, instead of mocking the victims and engaging in ‘tragedy chanting’ (an utterly grim conjunction of words), came together in a spirit of mutual support and understanding? For survivors, knowing that your story is understood, and your experience recognised and acknowledged can be transformative and affirming. Being alone, trapped in your own head, and hearing only the lies and their echoes, reading the awful vicious stuff circulated continuously on social media, is isolating and sometimes overwhelming. Every story has its own power, and they are all worth telling, particularly those that are told the least. We need to talk.
Today is the 35th anniversary of the Hillsborough Stadium disaster. In all that time, my dad and I have never discussed what happened that day. I’m more than 10 years older now than he was when we went to the game. I have two children of my own. I don’t want to tell the story of Hillsborough or try to convince people of what happened or argue for its significance in British cultural and political life – there are many more expert than me who can do that. I just want my kids to know that, once, their dad and grandad went to a football match and that something happened there, to others and to us, and that it still matters, and that, yes, if they want to, we can talk about it.